I promise not to be THAT bad. ha Read my profile and if you are interested, I will send a few pics. I mean, how ugly could I be??

Only one way to find out. : )

try me?

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Oh, you have pictures?  Fabulous! Then suck it up and put them on your dadgum profile.  Let’s say I write you back and ask for pictures, and you really are just that, um, unfortunate-looking.  Then I have to say no thanks, and then I look like a shallow bitch for judging you on your appearance.  Shoot, maybe I am a shallow bitch.  Wait, stop trying to change the subject!  That’s not the point here!  Man up, show yourself, and help save my reputation.  Yada yada yada.

I saw your profile and it really piqued my interest so I thought I would write.  Whereabouts in the South are you originally from by the way?

I moved to the DC area from the Syracuse, NY area about 6 years ago and have really enjoyed it so far.  I work in consulting with a great group of people which keeps me entertained and out of trouble for the most part How do you like working as an engineer?

Do you go out in DC much?

Anyway, you sound like you would be a lot of fun to be around and I would love to get to know you better. Hit me back if you get a chance.

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This is like vanilla ice cream.  Nice, enjoyable, and even brings a smile to the face.  It’s just not terribly exciting.  Chocolate covered bacon-flavored ice cream, this is not.  Still, it’s well-written, complimentary (thanks, dude!), not a form email, and there’s not even a hint of stalker-ism.  No, this email does not suck. And for that reason, it earns it’s place in the Good Email of the Month Club.  It’s a great honor, you know, much like playing college football.  It’s all about pride – no prizes or money given out here! No, really, I’m seriously not giving out prizes or money.  Oh, Lord, I hope this email isn’t from Cam Newton… Because if it is, his daddy will be knocking on my door in 3… 2… 1…

*ding dong*

&$#%!!

Hi.

Great profile and pics.  Would you like to chat and maybe meet for coffee or a drink sometime?  I know there isn’t much information on my profile but I can tell you more about myself if you are interested.

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No, Little Johnny, we don’t ask out girls in the first email.  How many times to I have to tell you this?  Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

Wait, Little Johnny, I’m not done with you yet.  If you’re going to pique a girl’s interest with your profile, you have to actually WRITE something about yourself in your profile.  Got that?   Words.  Type.  You can’t expect these girls to go digging around for information now, can you?  No, you can’t.  These lovely ladies are not internet anthropologists, are they?  That’s right, they’re not.  Do your homework.

Hold on, Little Johnny, I’m still not finished.  Now, you know better than to write a generic form email and send it out to 100 ladies at a time.  That’s not nice.  And on top of that, they will all know that’s exactly what you’ve done.  That’s right, Little Johnny, hang your head in shame.  NOW go to your room and think about what you’ve done.  Next time you do this, I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.  Now go.

i liked how you descrided yourself.

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Remember when you were in elementary school and you could drive people bat-sh*t crazy by repeating everything they said?  Yeah.  Congratulations, Krakoswka, you’re being chased by a 6-year old.  Uh oh, I think I see Pedobear coming…  Run away, Krakowska, run away!

Oh.  And being the grammar nazi that I am, I cannot let that desecration of the English language go unmentioned.  I decided to search for “descride” on the off chance that it was an actual word meaning something like “to throw warm donkey dung” or “to illegally download midget porn”, but alas, it is not an actual word.  FAIL.

Hey Krakowska, are you still running?  You are?  Good, keep going!

[none]

Hello

I noticed your profile and was intrigued.  Like yourself, I enjoy the things in your profile.  I really like your smile.  I’d like to know more about you.  Have you seen any recent movies out ?  How about your favorite restaurant?

I look forward to hearing from you.

D was brave enough to respond – go D!

“Like yourself, I enjoy the things in your profile.”  Are you serious?  You should consider being less generic.  Good luck.

And he responded back…

Thanks I will keep that on mind I am serious Hope u have a good day

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Kudos to D for writing back and calling him out on his wanton ordinariness!  D has balls.  I, on the other hand, do not.

D was also kind enough to include a sample of his fabulously generic profile.  Now, I don’t feel quite right about posting what people have actually written in their profiles, but the epic level of blah in the snippet she sent was just too good not to share.  So in order to disguise this poor man’s writing yet still allow you all to bask in this masterpiece of underachievement, I give you the introduction to this man’s profile – in lolspeak:

“O hai!  I tinks I iz missing somefing.  I iz livin large in a big awesum howse, I makez lots o moneez working 4 Basement Cat at Fortoon 500 companee, I spawned wif anudder ladee and now we haz a kid (dun worree I not marreed!), I LURVE to travel and I haz moar dan 200,000 reward pointz wif teh Marriott! I iz lookin teh awesumz cuz I liftez teh weights.  I provez it 2 u – u can has picshure of mee if you likez!!1!  Itz SO hard to find teh girleez dat not want to play teh gamez (no dramaz, plz!!1!).”

courtesy of cheezburger.com

200,000 Marriott reward points?!?  SWOON.  D, I will fight you for this one.  Bring it.  He is MINE.  Kthxbai.

So you totally remind me of this girl I had a crush on in Jr High.  She was a French foreign exchange student so I’m sure your English is stellar compared to hers.  Anyway, since you seem like the kind of girl I would have asked to a Jr High dance and since you conjured up a great memory, your mission if you choose to accept it—and if you can promise me that you don’t have more more than 3 cats—is to pass this note back with your answer.

Would you like to go out with me and have some fun in a few weeks when I get back from Chi-town?

a) Yes,  that sounds lovely… let’s set something up.                                                           b) I’m sorry, but I’ll be washing my hair all month.                                                              c) Hell yea.  You’re on sucka!  Call me….

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Let’s add up the good stuff, shall we?  1. witty and cute story, 2. complimentary and polite, 3. a throwback to middle school, 4. intermittent sarcasm, and 5. taking the time to properly spell out the word “you”.  WIN!  This one is definitely not your garden-varitey introductory email, but that’s part of it’s appeal.  This guy totally deserves a cookie!

And no, I do not have more than 3 cats.  Just in case you were wondering.

I enjoyed playing on my law firm softball team and finishing up the list of AFI 100 movies.  I am looking forward to a family trip to California and my new challenge:  training for the Marine Corps Marathon 10K.

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Wow, this guy has the email process down to an exact science!  He has developed a form email to sell himself, so all he has to do is write a personalized subject line, copy and paste said email, and boom!  Instant honeys!

courtesy of xkcd

And he is quite the salesman, isn’t he?  Let’s take a closer look at this email and what he’s really trying to say…

“What has been the highlight of your summer and what are you looking forward to this fall?”

- See, I’m not one of those guys that asks the standard questions such as “what do you do” and “what’s the air-speed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow”.  Oh no, I go deeper than that.  None of that small-talk stuff – I want to get to know the real you right away.  Oh yeah, baby, tell me about your summer.  Uh huh.

courtesy of steelcloset

“I enjoyed playing on my law firm softball team…”

- Now, I don’t want to brag, but see, I’m super smart and successful.  I’m not going to throw it in your face, though.  See, I can be all subtle about it.  Never mind that everyone and their mother in DC is either a lawyer, in law school, or studying to take the LSAT in order to apply to law school.  I’m still a LAWYER, damnit.  You may start “ooh”-ing and “ahh”-ing now.

courtesy of goods4girls

“…and finishing up the list of AFI 100 movies.”

- Don’t go thinking I’m a workaholic just because I’m a LAWYER, though.  No, honey, I’m a sophisticated, cultured soul that takes time to appreciate the fine arts.  Did I mention that I’m Facebook friends with James Cameron?  ’Cause I am.

“…a family trip to California…”

- Yep, I’m a family man.  Which means I’ll take good care of you, baby.  And when we vacation, it’s not just around the corner at Dewey.  Oh no, we go high-style and hit up the ultimate domestic destination.  That’s right, California.  Quality.  That’s what I’m all about.

“…my new challenge: training for the Marine Corps Marathon 10K.”

- Cause I’m in rockin’ shape!  But once again, I like to keep it sutble.  I won’t shove my 21 guns in your face.

Well, there you have it.  His awesomeness in a nutshell.

would u be interested in chatting? i’m [name].  i liked ur profile.

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Chatting, huh?  This is how I imagine that online conversation would go:

Me: That’s exactly what I’m talking about!

This makes the Three Stooges “Who’s on first” look like Shakespeare.  I think I’ll pass on that chat.

Image courtesy of geekshow.us

1.  I suck at the interwebs even more than I suck at online dating

2.  I am lazy.

So there you have it.  Thanks to a dear friend that understands technology in general much better than I do, I’m finally back for some more love and mockery.

On top of that, I have a little surprise in store in the coming weeks… stay tuned!

How on Earth did you end up next to a tiger?  Must be a good story there!  What can you share about singing?  Have a favorite composer?  OK, that’s enough questions for now!

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When I was 2 years old, my grandmother came to help take care of me while my father had surgery. My father had an older-than-dirt green pickup truck with CHEVROLET spelled in big white letters on the tailgate. I was just learning to read a few words at this ripe old age, so one day when my grandmother and I were walking around the yard (ok, Granny was walking – I was doing that groovy toddler waddle), my grandmother pointed at the truck tailgate and said to me, “My dear, can you spell that?” I promptly started rattling off the letters. “C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T.”

“Wonderful, sweetheart! Now what does that spell?”

“Truck.”

So folks, here’s your lesson for the day:  C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T spells “truck”, and cheetahs look just like tigers.   I mean, I totally thought I was petting a tiger until the cheetah set me straight.